Tuesday, July 20, 2004

Bird Feed

Norwalk, CT-
   While on a sailing trip with his father, Fred Cassellius fell overboard during a storm while trying to steer the 42-foot sailboat, Vixen. His father was not able to rescue him, as he was below deck, preparing the evening's meals. When he heard Fred scream however he immediately raced up to the deck to save Fred, but Fred was nowhere to be seen.
   The massive waves created by the storm almost drowned Fred, but he was able to swim through and over them. 
   Luckily, land was not that far away, and he was washed ashore the island of Brobdingnag by sunrise of the following morning. 
   "I had heard of Brobdingnag," says Fred, now safely home after
several weeks, "From Gulliver's Travels but I had no idea that the
land of giants actually existed! It's certainly not on any of the maps we had on Vixen!" Fred first realized that the island was inhabited by giants when he fell into what he thought was a large
crater. When he fell face down into the sand a giant woodpecker swooped over him and took him in her beak. From above the beach, Fred could see that the large crater was actually a very large footprint.
   "I had other things on my mind, naturally," says Fred, "Like how to escape being lunch for baby birds!"Fred did manage to escape by
performing some of his black belt moves on the baby birds and jumping from the tree. "It was a long drop and I never thought I'd make it, but what choice did I have?" 
   Luckily for Fred there was a giant couple having lunch beneath the tree and Fred fell into their potato salad. At first, the couple tried to smoosh him thinking he was an ant, but they heard Fred shout and they realized just in time that he was just a little human. 
   "They were very nice and helpful," Fred says. "I imagine had I
been bigger they might have given me to their cat as a plaything!"
   Instead the giant couple popped Fred in a bottle with a hunk of bread and tossed him back into the ocean.After several days at sea, a regular sized coast guard boat came by and rescued Fred. He is now safe at home, writing his memoirs. 
   "It's too bad Jonathon Swift happened upon those islands first. I
could be a hugely famous author!"
   Unfortunately, Fred will have to settle for mild fame and a movie
contract.

Fred Cassellius is bird feed.

Tuesday, June 29, 2004

Catastrophic Feline

Stoughton, MA-
One of the oldest and biggest natural breeds of cats in North America is the Maine Coon. At the end of their growth period, from 3-5 years (at least a year longer than most cats), males of this breed can reach up to 18 pounds. In Stoughton, MA this record has been exceeded by one very large Maine Coon owned by Mr. and Mrs. Fred Cassellius.
His name is Foster.
"He just keeps on growing," states Laura Cassellius, 23. "When he was 6 weeks old and 1.5 pounds, we took him to the vet for his first check-up. The vet said that he'd reach 12 to 14 pounds. It was hard to believe that then, but now he weighs well more than even that!" Laura looks over her shoulder nervously as Foster, now over 10 feet tall, sitting, and weighing more than a ton.
"When he purrs, the whole ground shakes," adds Fred Cassellius, who still thinks he's 22. "We've had to put Krazy glue on the bottom of our television to make sure it doesn't slip right off the table!"
"And locks on all the cabinets so the dishes won't fall out," Laura claims.
The Casselliuses have set up a tent in their driveway. This is where they sleep since they simply cannot fit in the apartment with Foster any longer.
"It was small to begin with," Fred says of their barely 350 square foot apartment. "But now no living thing but Foster can fit inside." Their other cat Opal, who remains only 8 pounds, lives in the car which she has reupholstered with her black and white fur.
The Casselliuses also use the tent to sell public admission to see Foster through their apartment windows. They set up step ladders underneath their five windows for paying customers to stand upon. Nobody save a few authorized guests are allowed in.
"It's simply too dangerous," says Laura. "He could eat a whole person in one gulp if he wanted." And sometimes he has. Foster gobbled up his vet when he tried to trim his claws last winter. The mailman also suffered a similar fate when he opened the door to drop off a package. My photographer and I were only allowed in to take pictures after taking a cayenne pepper and Tabasco sauce bath in an inflatable wading pool. The only humans who are safe are Laura and Fred Cassellius, but even they bathe in hot sauce before entering to drop off Foster's food and pet him.
"His disposition is still friendly," says Laura, "He still likes to cuddle."
"But when he gets hungry, watch out!" warns Fred. "Foster eats 500 lbs of dry food a day but he wouldn't let a free meal of man just walk by him."
***Admission to see Foster is $5. Souvenirs are sold in the tent and patrons can get their picture taken with Foster for an additional $10 plus $2.50 for the necessary cayenne-Tabasco bath. For more information or directions, please visit http://www.fosterfacefarce.com.***